So I’ve been sick for two years… it’s been horrible… I’ve been gradually getting better over these last months…
A few weeks ago… I made huge progress… felt like I got healed…
And today… I feel it in every way…
I’m gaining weight again… I’ve been working out daily for almost two weeks now… and in a short time… I’m putting on muscle… I’m looking better than ever… I’m feeling strong… I feel like myself again…
And I can’t praise God enough… Oh thank You… Holy Father…
I’ve had people all over the world praying for me… pulling for me… and my girlfriend’s faithful prayers… Oh how grateful I am… thankful… humbled by the entire experience… Oh how happy I am… that it’s over…
because there were moments I truly wasn’t sure I’d ever get back here…
Honestly.. my faith wavered over these past few years… I was so sick… I lost nearly 60 pounds… I was told it was cancer… then told it wasn’t… and to this day… I still don’t know what it was…
I just know it was hard… a daily struggle to not give up…
But now…
Because of my God — I am back…
Not just back… but renewed… Stronger… Better… Alive in a way I hadn’t felt in years…
And today… I stand here in gratitude — the fear is gone…
All glory to God — the healer… the restorer… the One who carried me when I couldn’t carry myself…
Amen and Amen.
Forever and ever…
“Though He slay me.. yet will I trust in Him…” — Job 13:15 (NKJV)
“The Lord restored the health of Job…” — Job 42:10
Back in 2o09… my life was fun fun… you know… dodging bullets… concrete shoes… watery graves… Judas kisses… the usual crap Eventually… I took a break from all the excitement And checked myself into an 18 month drug rehab in Florida They say rehab is for quitters… yep… they’d be right…
A few weeks in… something real started happening inside me Things slowed down Life was simple Clear Peaceful For the first time in a long time… I was happy My mind was sharp God was working in me something fierce Speaking loud Speaking clear I knew… I was exactly where I needed to be…
We were on this beautiful ten acre spread And I lived in a house with about ten other guys All of them tired All of them broken All of them ready for change They became my brothers And— they still are…
One of my responsibilities there… was to care for the ministry dog His name was Beavis Cool name— cooler dog He was older… a boxer mix… gorgeous… and so smart He didn’t really have anywhere to go either His owner Stuart had died of cancer about a year before I arrived… and Beavis never recovered from it…
He was grieving Deeply They told me how he cried… and searched… and waited for Stuart… And it broke my heart A dog that was once full of life… joy… energy… spark… Was now quiet… distant… hurting… He would not let anyone in…
But there was one thing he still loved… There was this random green 10 pound bowling ball on the property You could sling that thing across the grounds And Beavis would bark… chase it down… and roll it across the field with his head… Like it was the most important mission on earth I had never seen a dog play with a bowling ball before 😁 He absolutely loved it So I made it my daily mission… to roll life back into him…
People told me Beavis would never bond with anyone again That he belonged to Stuart That his heart was finished choosing humans…
Challenge accepted—
I took care of him Vet visits Meds Food Time Love Patience And after about a year and a half… it happened… Beavis chose me— He followed me everywhere He slept beside my bed He watched me Protected me Laughed with me… in his dog way… He came back to life…
But loving… comes with cost—
Because he slept outside before I came… He had gotten heartworms from mosquitoes Over the four years I lived there… after graduating… and becoming resident director… Beavis slowly grew sicker… I gave him antibiotics daily I loved him harder as he grew weaker And.. Just like he stayed with Stuart— I stayed with him… til the end…
He had a soft bed right beside mine He had warmth Comfort Care Family Honor… He was treated like royalty—
All us guys loved him so…
And when the time came… I could not watch him suffer anymore… I made the call… Was so hard for me… So hard…
Beavis was one of the greats Not just a dog… A gift—
He was meant for me I was meant for him
destined for each other…
I will always remember him…
The mighty— loyal— stubborn— beautiful heart of Beavis…
He was my Dawg… 😎`’.,°~
…
Though oceans roar… You are the Lord of all… The one who calms the wind and waves and makes my heart be still… Though the Earth gives way… the mountains move into the sea… The nations rage… I know my God is in control…
This is about a first day — just not the kind most people mean…
“I lost my innocence early in life… and I continued down that road for many years… It was nobody’s fault… life will just show up on you… Some lessons are hard learned in repetition… And actually… I believe I’m thankful for it… because it taught me… with beauty… just how special things can be… differences… in what happens… and what is supposed…”
When I was fourteen.. my best friend was killed in a dirt-bike accident.. I can’t begin to tell you what it did to me… “Crushing” is the only word I have right now.. and even that feels too small.. We were closer than brothers..
After the funeral.. I fell into my bedroom. That room became my world — my home inside my home.. Everyone was worried about me.. I shut down.. Closed myself off to everyone.. No access allowed..
It felt like I was on a camping trip in the wilderness alone.. And I stayed there for a whole year..
I needed something… but I didn’t know what..
I started borrowing CDs and cassette tapes from my uncle.. I found an old tape in a box in the attic — Bob Dylan’s — Another Side of Bob Dylan.. And I sank into it… rock… country… folk… old… new… Hank Williams Jr… And the only Christian song I even knew back then.. Amazing Grace..
I didn’t just listen — I drank it.. And the more I drank.. the thirstier I got.. So I went swimming in it.. Something I still do..
Meanwhile.. God was walking the edges of me…
One night I awoke from a dream.. and there in the corner of my bedroom was a silhouette.. shaped like a guitar..
my mother was so worried about me she didn’t know what else to do.. So she bought me an acoustic guitar.. And one night.. while I was sleeping… she placed it in the corner of my room.. right where I would see it.. the moment I opened my eyes..
I played it… and I played it… and I played it… (until my fingers bled) until it started playing me..
I learned it — taught myself — until it learned me back..
Song after song.. Day after day.. night after night… Month after month.. From the fall of 1988 into the winter of 1989.. I played it….. until it became my heartbeat..
And finally… after a year in the wilderness… I emerged from my room.. ready to face my giants of the 90’s…
Psalm 34:18 (NKJV) 💥 “”The Lord is near to the brokenhearted.. and saves those who are crushed in spirit.””
Lyrics from the song “Better Way” by Sister Hazel 👇
“” Now.. here I sit.. in a cage all my own It’s a new life.. it’s a brand new home.. and it’s made out of steel.. it’s built out of fear.. It’s closed up to you.. and it’s part of the deal…””
Lyrics from “Always Loving You” Hank Williams Jr 👇
“”And I still hear that old whippoorwill I’ve seen the ghost of a midnight train And I still love to go alone 🎶🎶🎶 Down by the old Union station in the rain””
( the artists and songs below are just some of my early influences..(not all tho) it’s much wider today.. I added so much to it.. like punk.. alternative.. rap… gospel and hymns… Christian rock.. etc.. you name it.. i am it… haha… so much variety…)
Of the thousands of songs that are a part of me.. this one hits deeper than them all.. 👇
👇💯🦋🎶😎⚘️
First song i ever learned on guitar 👇
When I first realized music could be poetry 👇
When I first realized music could be stories like reading a book 👇
And this one just played a lot that year.. it’s also one of my favorites to play on piano👇 used to be anyways…
And this one… needs no explanation. 👇
And this one.. you must watch til the end 👇🤟😁😎`
Oh and this one… 👇
Oh and this one… 👇
👇 👑
👇🤟 this one is special.. it’s the title of this post… Long Cold Winter..
👇🤟
🤟👇
This one is special to me 💯👇
💯💯💯💯👇
Listened to this one alot back then 👇
🔥👇🎶💯
🌧 🌦 🌂 ⛈️ 💯💥
💯💯💯💯💯
💯⚘️
⚘️💯💥🏳
🥳💯😁💥
🚉💥🍊🔥
💯💯💯💯💯
💥🥳👇💯
💥💯👇🏃♀️
🥳💥💯👇💣
💯🎶💥🏳⚘️🤟👇💣🔥🪜💙
🐎 👇💯
⚘️💥💯🎶
👇 ⛰️ ✨️
💯💯💯💥👇🔥
💯💯💯👇💥🔥💣 🏹 ➡️
💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💥👇🤟
🎶💯🎶💯🎶💯🎶💯
⚘️⚘️⚘️⚘️👇
👧 👇💯🥳🏃♀️
🎶👇⚘️💯❣️💥🪜
🎶💥🎶💥💯⚘️
💯❣️💯❣️💯❣️💯❣️💯
I’m against cats 🐈 in the house!👇😁
👇👇👇👇👇👇👇👇👇👇💯❣️💥
Wow I forgot this one👇❣️
🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤👇
👇💥☝️
👇………..
Oh the memories tonight 👇💥💯
Oh wow 👇❣️
🦋💯💥🎶
💯💥🖤🥳👇🌩
👇❤️🖤💥💯💢
👇☝️
……👇🎶💯
💯💥🎶👇🤟
🏳🪜💯💥🎶
Oh Lord oh Lord 👇☝️❣️💥💯🎶🪜
❤️🩷💙💥💯💢
🎶💥💯❣️👇☝️
🚆 🚉 🎶👇
On point 👉 👇☝️💯
🖤💯☝️👉👇🤟💥
🥳🥳🥳🥳💯👇
👇💥
👇👇👇💥❣️🎶💯🤟
😁💯🥳🤟👇
💯😎👇
☝️☝️☝️☝️☝️☝️👇
🤟👇💯
💯💯💯💯🎶🎶❣️💥👇
🦌 👩 👰♂ 💯👇❣️💥🎶🦋❤️
🇺🇸 🥳💯👇💥
Awesome 🖤👇💯🎶😎
👇💥❣️🎶💯🦋
One of my favorites 👇💥💯
👇💯
Love this one👇❤️☝️
👇💯🦋
👇💯❤️
Tragically beautiful 👇🎶😎❤️💯
😎🎶💯👇💥☝️
🥳💯👇woohoo
💯👇🥳
💯💯💯💯💯
😎🎶💯👇
💯👇❣️
Beautiful 💯🎶❣️👇
👇💥🎶
💯👇🥳❣️🎶😎💥
💥👇💯🎶
👇💯
😎😎😎💥👇👇👇💯💯💯🎶🎶🎶
🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶
💯💯💯💯
💯👇💥😎🎶❣️
😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁🎶👇💯💥
💯😎😎😎😎😎😎😎👇
👇💯
💯👇💥🎶😎❣️⚘️🦋
😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁💯💯💯💯💥👇🎶
🥳😁👇💯
👇💯👇💯
…..💯👇😎🎶❣️
💯👇
😎😎😎😎😎😎😎😎😎😎😎😎😎😎👇
………….👇
🌩🦋🎶💥👇💯
Lovin it 💯💯💯😎👇💥🎶
💯👇💥❣️word!
🥳🥳🥳🤟👇😎😎😎💯💯💯💥💥😁😁
💯💯👇
Love it… 👇💯❤️💥
🎣 💯👇🎶💥
😁💯👇😎
Amen… 💯👇
Oh the memories 💯👇😎🎶
Hahaha 👇💥💯😁🥳🎶
👇👇👇
💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯👇
……….💯👇👇💥
😁😁😁🥳🎶💯👇
……….👇💯
Beautiful 💯❤️⚘️👇
……👇💯
🕊 👇💯❣️💥🦋
⚘️⚘️⚘️⚘️⚘️⚘️⚘️⚘️⚘️⚘️⚘️🌩
💯🥳💯🥳🎶👇
…❣️👇💯
🥳💯🤟🎶👇
…!…!…!…👇
……😎💯👇
Oh Lord 👇
💣🖤💯🎶⚘️💥👇🤟🪜🏳
👇💥⚘️💯💣🔥🏳🤟 The End… maybe
My album influences from that year included… every single album from Hank Williams Jr 😁😎… Cinderella’s Long Cold Winter… and Bob Dylan’s Another Side Of Bob Dylan.. also HSAS… Through The Fire.. aka Hagar.. Schon.. Aaronson.. Shrieve.. some of you may remember these guys.. they were incredible.. their cover of “Whiter Shade Of Pale” is still my favorite today.. and their song “Missing You” also I listened to a lot of radio that year… and Amazing Grace.. O’ How sweet the sound.. I’m sure that I’m forgetting some… I will remember later and probably edit haha… majority of my christian music influences came a little later in life…
For most of my life.. I’ve been strong and healthy.. Then about a year and a half ago.. my health crashed hard.. This past year has been rough… sickness.. weakness.. doctors searching for answers — but lately I’ve been getting stronger day by day..
Six months ago.. things hit the worst point..
I was deathly sick and went to the ER.. They ran tests.. Two doctors walked in with that look on their faces — the look that says everything before a word is spoken..
“We think it’s cancer.”
They told me there were spots on my pancreas… liver… kidneys… and when something shows up on multiple organs.. red flags go up immediately.. doctors assume the worst.. To them.. it looked like cancer that had already spread..
But me? I was calm..
Not because I’m fearless — but because I had a promise from above that I’d live a long life.. I knew it wasn’t my time.. And I also knew they can’t call anything “cancer” until a biopsy confirms it.. honestly.. even if it were cancer.. I’d still react calmly.. because I’m ready to go home whenever…
I was admitted to the hospital.. and while I waited for results.. everyone — doctors.. nurses.. all treated me like it was cancer.. even my patient chart said it’s cancer.. cancer.. cancer.. cancer… everywhere cancer… One nurse introduced me to another by saying….
“This is Bryan… he has pancreatic cancer.”
I looked up and said.. “No ma’am.. I don’t have cancer.. And the tests results aren’t even back yet…”
Everybody around me braced for the worst.. I held on to faith… I wasn’t signing my name on something that didn’t belong to me…
Not today. Not ever.
“Don’t put that evil on me.. Ricky Bobby..” I joked……….. (They tried to curse me — I wasn’t having it 😄…)
And then the results came in..
Everything was benign… No cancer… Doctors scratching their heads because they were almost certain… Me smiling.. because I already knew..
God kept His word to me. And I’m still here — living.. growing.. healing.. getting stronger every day..
If you’re facing something scary.. remember this.. Doctors have knowledge.. God has the final say……
And He’s not done with me yet.
Also… if you’re reading this….. He’s not done with you either…..
Heart of Loia `'.,°~ 